@Not_From_Troy

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

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@LionJenkins

I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.

@Eightinchgoat

Her: I LOVE your beard!

Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!

Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.

@Reverend_Scott

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

@TheToddWilliams

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

@dave_cactus

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

@MarcusTheToken

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

@fro_vo

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

@Parkerlawyer

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.