I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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Her: I LOVE your beard!
Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!
Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.