My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

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Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit


Me: you like that? *takes out trash*

Wife: ooooh

Me *starts vacuuming the living room*

Wife: oh my god, don’t stop


autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO


Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right


Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.


I miss the things we shared together.
Not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool.


*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*


If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.


Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again