My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude