Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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Me: you like that? *takes out trash*
Me *starts vacuuming the living room*
Wife: oh my god, don’t stop
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I miss the things we shared together.
Not the chlamydia but the rest of the stuff was cool.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
there’s a phone number
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again