@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

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@Tmoney68

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

@jenstatsky

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

@LeaMehanna

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

@MarfSalvador

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

@sportswithjohn

Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.

@Shen_the_Bird

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

@AndrewChamings

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening