my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

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A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.


My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me


My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.


It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.


Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.


I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.


Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.


Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.


Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.


Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.


Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.