my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

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[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.


The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.


[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?


Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?


Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.


Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.


Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.