@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

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@CheetoBandito77

I stepped on the scale today.

Not to get my weight. I just couldn’t reach the cookies in the cupboard.

@OzKamal

Nobody:

Me at 3am: *googles*
“How to bite mosquitoes back?”

@pleatedjeans

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

@Contwixt

FUN BIT OF TRIVIA…The hard-working individuals who discover and preserve ancient pastas and breads are called starchaeologists.

@hamersauce

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

@TheNYAMProject

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.