@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

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@FattMernandez

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@CynicalTherapi1

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@JohnLyonTweets

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

@juliussharpe

Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.

@lmwortho

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

@BoomBoomBetty

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

@TheRealPalMal

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.