rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.