[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
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Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I’d … I’d rather not.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.