Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party
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My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…