@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

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@Cycloptomese

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@clichedout

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

@tokyo_sexwhale

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

@pixelatedboat

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

@T_Bonezzz_

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

@PJTLynch

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

@TheBoydP

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…