I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Made something I’m not proud of
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
At least he brought enough for everyone
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….