I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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apple music: here’s a song for you
spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY
friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The thing about eating broken cookies is there’s no way to know how many you had.
“You ate the whole ba-”
THERE’S NO WAY TO KNOW.
Wanna have a little fun?
Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”
Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.
We’re all going to die, aren’t we?