my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*