@OrangeFact

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

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@MariasWestSide

I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one

@CAshmanActor

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

@Sadieisonfire

I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me

@LuvPug

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.

@smithsara79

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

@GuyThe_Guy

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.