My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard