My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.