coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
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me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
This came to me in a dream.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger