@datguyryry

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

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@GerryMcBride

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

@fowlerism

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

@ArfMeasures

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

@HomeWithPeanut

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

@cravin4

No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.

@haveigotnews

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

@MissHavisham

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

@meganamram

Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”

@MikeEpps___

Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram