My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

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Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?


I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!


HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun


“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane


My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”


When you text a guy “my shirt smells like you” be sure you spell shirt correctly.


ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.


3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch