My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.