My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology and now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken

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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me


ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment



– Tony the Tiger’s wife


My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.


When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.


How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”


Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…


The cool thing about dating a musician is if you ever break up with them you basically just co-wrote their next album.