@Darlainky

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

- @Darlainky

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@shkeeber

My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

@kentgrossarth

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

@ruinedpicnic

[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see

@CoopSoSarc

Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.

@ericsshadow

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

@ThisOneSayz

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

@bggas400

She’s got the face of an angel, a heart of gold, & a body that won’t quit.

Who cares that she curses like a trucker and drinks like a fish.

@putyoursisterd1

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

@brianbowman73

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

@dumbbeezie

A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail