My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“We will wed,” I threatened
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm