@kimtopher22

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

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@drayzze

Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…

So how much do I have to drink beforehand?

@arandomhim

What’s your name?
SIENNA
Where you from, Sienna?
MALIBU
Do you like sports?
GOLF
You’re just replying w car brands aren’t you?
FORD F-SERIES

@stephenjmolloy

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

@stopbylater

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

@KenJennings

You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it “Chumbawumba,” right?

@Tommytoughstuff

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

@QwertyJones3

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

@daemonic3

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

@JustinGuarini

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

@jdforshort

A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today

He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time