My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
You Might Also Like
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
thanks auntie mary
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Bruh PLEASE
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish