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Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Hmm, not sure about this change
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.