@hrtbps

My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THINK YOUR FRIEND IS REALLY CUTE

@MooseAllain

“I’ve built a model of Mount Everest”
“Is that to scale?”
“No, just to look at”

@deadstick_ron

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.

ME: Okay.

[later]

ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.

@Eden_Eats

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

@ecareyo

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

@OllyiConic

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

@OBiiieeee

Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?