@kumailn

My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.

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@DirtMcTurd

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

@fro_vo

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

@Darlainky

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

@supermarkusa

I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.

@Bizarro_Mark

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

@JJSummertime

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

@HousewifeOfHell

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

@just1fool

I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.