My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
You Might Also Like
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My patience has stretch marks.
cry laughing at this shit
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.