I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
No, YOUR illiterate.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”