Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.
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When news reporters do sports stories
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Let’s turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.