My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.

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[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away


Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.


[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo


How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.


Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?


A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.


ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-


“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” β€” The first guy who ever milked a cow.