My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.

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[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”


I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.


I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.


My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.


Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”


Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.