putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?