If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My armpits smell like garlic bread.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”
Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician