My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
*shrugs*
*swipes right*