my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.