my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?