My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

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Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol


Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no


*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”


I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.


my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted


It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.


Roses are red

Violets don’t matter.

When a woman says ‘I love you’

Men scatter.


Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting!

Doug: um, I don’t know Kung f–

Carl: except for Doug from accounting


Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.