Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Roses are red
Violets don’t matter.
When a woman says ‘I love you’
Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting!
Doug: um, I don’t know Kung f–
Carl: except for Doug from accounting
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.