My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

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*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
“You ready?”
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*


I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.

Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.


At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the “I have a PhD” card.

Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.


6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-


H: Your mom is very smart


If you say to yourself, “how could this get any worse?”

I will magically appear.


My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.


astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit


[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade


COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang