[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
How to make microwave popcorn:
2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped.
2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.
No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.
Kids suck. Even God gave up after only having one.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?
me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!
You look like something I’d draw with my left hand