*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.
Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the “I have a PhD” card.
Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
H: Your mom is very smart
If you say to yourself, “how could this get any worse?”
I will magically appear.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that