My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”