My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

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[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]


Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.


How to make microwave popcorn:
2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped.
2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.


Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.


*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.


teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?

me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!