8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.