Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
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I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
how to exercise your calf muscles
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.