@TequilaTears

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

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@SatansTongue

“You can be anything!”
Okay I’m going to be Kanye west
“Josh that’s not what I meant”
Shhhh
*puts my finger to her lips*
It’s Kanye now

@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

@gf3

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

@DiamondLou69

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

@TommyKarate

Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.

@tomgara

My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”

@SirEviscerate

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

@envydatropic

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.