My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

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“You can be anything!”
Okay I’m going to be Kanye west
“Josh that’s not what I meant”
*puts my finger to her lips*
It’s Kanye now


The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.


me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper


“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.


Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.


My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”


*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.


My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.


I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.