My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.