My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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Ape together strong
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.