@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

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@KattsDogma

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

@ilikeyouguys

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

@McClaneJohn2

I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

@419BillE

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

@thomasdynamic

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

@jennalinds

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

@SJSchauer

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

@Darlainky

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.