My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.