my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
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[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”