@robdelaney

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

@sameblacklist

There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.

@platinum2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

@Xalqee

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

@mydmac

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

@mishakey

Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.

@JazminsThoughts

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.

@horselythighs

Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic

@mendigurl

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.