My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.


There should be an eBay for evil people so they can purchase evil people stuff without having their motives questioned.


If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…


I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab


Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.


Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.


You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.


Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?


H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.


Elijah Wood and Toby Mcguire: whoever dies first gets played by the other in the biopic


Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.