My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Saw your ex at the shops
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.