@ReeseButCallMeV

My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

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@Havish_AF

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

@ItsJayWhittaker

“You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”

– Wayne Gretzky

“You miss 100% of the shots you DO take.”

– Stormtroopers

@Steven37366100

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

@murrman5

[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

@Reverend_Scott

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”