My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
1. Divorce lawyers


“You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”

– Wayne Gretzky

“You miss 100% of the shots you DO take.”

– Stormtroopers


Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.


[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all


Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet


I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever


Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*


Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”