@ReeseButCallMeV

My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

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@LarrysTwin99

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

@KKAlThani

Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong

Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.

@SilleVio

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

@Average_Dad1

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

@Mom_Overboard

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.