@Havish_AF
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
@ReeseButCallMeV
My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
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@Havish_AF
@ItsJayWhittaker
“You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
– Wayne Gretzky
“You miss 100% of the shots you DO take.”
– Stormtroopers
@Steven37366100
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
@murrman5
[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all
@MiddleageM
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
@TeeJayRush
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
@TheMichaelRock
I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever
@iLikeCatShirts
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
@TuSoonShakur
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
@Reverend_Scott
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”