My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
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Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: *walks away*
Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don’t know since we’re clearly making stuff up.
Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong
Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.