Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*