My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.