My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
superterriblemorningexpialidocious