In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Best table by far
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.