@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

You Might Also Like

@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

@AwsomeHairDay

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@KickSumHunibuns

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

@Peauxtassium

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

@ToxicProbably

Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married women make:

1. Assuming he heard you.

2. Assuming he understood you.

3. Assuming he’ll remember.

4. Marrying a man.

@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.