My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.