My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
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didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard