WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
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“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Me: Between 2 and 5
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.