My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
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Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good