@vikkaroni

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

@DrakeGatsby

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

@KentWGraham

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

@J_Dazzle76

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

@paul_haine

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

@ArfMeasures

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

@Classy_Cassy89

I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.