My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER