Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Cake!!
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.