@SvnSxty

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

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@IvoryGazelle

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

@JimmerThatisAll

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

@KateWhineHall

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

@MsSugar_Kisses

If she’s freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place

@chuuew

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

@sammynickalls

ladies: the day after Halloween, don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile

@NrouteHQ

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums