My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
oh shit
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.