My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Kids: Stay in school.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
This probably isn’t good
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
getting old is fun
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty