My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I need better friends
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.