@FullMetalMommy

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

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@HeyoShellz

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@TheRolo

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

@DudeInABearSuit

If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.

@Whatevah_Amy

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

@TomZohar

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

@trojansauce

ME: can we pull over and get mcdonalds im hungry
KIDNAPPER: omg shut up

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.

@CaucasianJames

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat