*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose